Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in silvertwilight's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Thursday, November 13th, 2008
9:37 pm	Writer's Block: Nature Gone Wild Field mice always sleep facing northwest. Kangaroos can't walk backwards. Female hyenas have penises. Let's face it, nature is weird. What's the strangest thing you know about the animal kingdom? Submitted By kaley_93 View 500 Answers I read most of the things already posted... and I have learned that kangaroos don't walk, they hop. I've also learned that one species out of many hyenas have an enlarged clitoris and is oftentimes mistaken for a penis (which it is not). As for the mice... how many have you watched sleep lately? Nature is beautiful. Though something that I found really interesting is that felines ovulate when the male's "spine" (in his penis) encourages her to do so, so just because kittens are in the same litter does not mean that they have the same father. I consider myself somewhat of a feline person... and for some reason this just fascinates me. I wonder if there are other animals that this holds true for? Anyone know? ~*~ Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 18th, 2008
2:21 pm	ooc dramas + I am my wolf Opinions are like assholes, everybody has them. -- unknown (or, at least, I don't know) -- OOC dramas -- I'm seriously starting to get irritated with all the OOC drama in wolf rp. I thank God we don't have that sort of drama in DR. <3 Yesterday, at work, I was thinking about it actually -- Hey, it's better than a Soap Opera! -- and I realized the only other time that I ever had drama OOCly with people was way back in the day on Undernet when I role played with Drack and Jeruth. We were all in high school (I think, but Jeruth could have been younger) and we role played together every day. Good solid hours of plots and drama. It was awesome! Occasionally someone new would rp with us, and quite often DrkRose would as well. -- The problem was that we had a LOT of OOC issues. Who didn't like what was happening in the plot, etc. In fact, if I remember correctly, some of the time it was depressing. We were so involved with each other. I'm sad to say that I rarely speak to either of them now. ;.; I pretty much never see Jeruth and I only see Drack once in a great while. He's got two kids of his own <3 I thought that was really cool... This leads me to my next point -- the AGE of the players in wolf rp. There is a drastic age difference -- to the extent that some packs make it a policy to be Family Friendly -- no swearing, no sexual stuff, basically rated PG-13 (or G, whichever). A lot of the players are still in high school -- in fact, wolf rp has to have the youngest players really. When I first started rping in 1997 on mIRC I was 14 years old. So I was the youngest then, but I wasn't in wolf RP. I was in #shamus&shaman on Undernet, which was WoD based. I rped with a lot of older people. The only reason I really mention the age thing is because a lot of people complain about "high school drama" when most of the people are IN high school. Just thought I'd make a point. =x To be honest though, I recently found out one wolf rper is 15 and I could have sworn she was 18 or 20, she acts that maturely. (Referring to DarkAzure of EmeraldMyst <3) So it IS NOT just an age thing. I'm wondering how on earth Silverlune keeps drama OUT of DR. It's one of the main reasons I joined DawnRunners and she does an amazing job. <3 <3 <3 I would be content to be half the wolf she is. -- I am my wolf -- Another thing I was thinking about last night is how I'm starting to have more of a "pack mentality." My pack is my family, and family is my strength. Even though we all aren't on at the same times, I feel that we all have bonded strongly. The one wolf I thought that would be difficult to bond with is Skah, though I luff her hooman -- Skah's wolf is a bit, well, I don't know how to explain it. But he moved to protect Alora when she went to help Moonwolf- (whom I won't even complain about! that crazy woof!) and made me feel so <3 <3 <3 because at first, Skah was "standoffish" I guess. He's older and you have to earn his respect. Whereas Alora is Silverlune's daughter, so the bonding was much faster. <3 Another thing is being a Caretaker. It was a random roll of the dice to pick that, but I feel that it IS me. Especially considering I am Reiki. Healing is what I do. Playing with little ones, helping the elders. It's too bad we don't have any pups yet =x Blah, I got stuff to do. </rant> Current Mood: busy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
1:30 pm	Suddenly Inspired ~{Real Life}~ Yeah, so Matthew seems to be completely better. <3 Myself, on the other hand. Ugh. My eye is doing better, no pain. But my nose/throat/ears .. ugh. Whatever! After such a long vacation, I really don't feel like being at work. Though one of the good things is that people keep coming to me for stuff. <3 Yay for leadership qualities, lawl. Though I try not to step on Frank's toes, as he's been a T3 on Second Shift a lot longer... but he can also drive people crazy. meh. I dunno about him sometimes... Sometimes it seems him and I are on the same page, and other times... not so much. Oh well. It is interesting to me that one guy from Single Hung always comes to me when he needs a rework. LAWL -- and another guy, who drops off some of our parts - he's come to me at least twice to get a signature. =3 *EGO PUFFING UP* lol... Not to mention leadership coming to me for ideas on stuff too. anyway, enough gloating. ~{Pack Life}~ --- yeah, thought I'd do that too. =3 --- I am very happy with it right now. DawnRunners is definitely my home! Shio and I rp late into the night sometimes after I get off of work, so Alora's had a lot of time spent with him ... and he asked her about 'moving forward' and she said yes... [[ That actually happened on 1/14/08 ]] so now it's just a matter of cornering Silverlune when we're all online to ask for permission =3 We have a meeting on the 18th, and our first LoreNight on the 25th. I'm excited. I made a graphic like... the day that I saw the "lorenight" mentioned in the topic... but I was a bad wolfeh and didn't say when I was available ... cause I was making the graphic instead. ...... I'm thinking of writing a small poem to go along with it... I just need to get cracking. I feel all sleepy and out of it right now. ~{Real Life again}~ Since I'm feeling out of it, I don't feel like going into work. ;.; ... but we're not really getting any hours anyways, and I've only got 4 hours of paid time off until April. Meh. I have 16 passes, which are 4 hours each -- which equals 64 hours of unpaid time, or 8 days. ~{Pack Life VS Real Life}~ Ryan and I .. had a disagreement. He thinks I'm wasting my creativity on wolf rp. But he doesn't realize that I'm just not inspired to write something. The interaction is what is keeping me going... To me, creativity isn't just "merchandise." It isn't about the money. It's about ENJOYING yourself. ~{Random}~ There's so much more I could say, but I feel so sleepy right now. I'm not feeling well at all. =( I just want to sleep... Current Mood: sick (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
12:47 am	chaotic ramblings after a long lapse So, it seems as if I've almost forgotten about livejournal. *sigh* I have a lot of posts in my myspace blog, but I don't feel like cross-posting here. So this is strictly a lj post. Matthew's been coughing, but he's getting meds, so hopefully he's almost over his cold. <3 Ryan's sick too, and my cold was gone, but now I'm coughing again. I also have an problem with my left eye... ;.; Our vacation was wonderful. It's too bad it had to end. ='( I've changed my default icon to that of my wolf .. I've mostly been rping her, anyway. I've nearly forgotten how to rp human types. =3 Alora is actually my third wolf character since I've dived head first into the wolven community. She belongs to the DawnRunners pack, and I'm quite happy with it. In fact, Alora has been promoted to the rank of Caretaker. <3 Though one of her(my) favorite things to do is visit other packs. I don't know why. I guess it's b/c so many of the people I've grown fond of are in different packs, for whatever reason. So yeah. For other info, read my myspace blog. I'll try to update livejournal more. I've just been using my creative streak for wolfrp mostly. As for work... I was sent home early. Looks like yet another week without even 32 hours. ;.; Money is getting really tight and we have to move... joy. -xoxo- Current Mood: drained (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
4:00 pm	Celebrate my Mom <3 ((posted first in myspace, then here)) My Mommy is the most wonderful person ever. I love her so very much. I would like for everyone to please come and see her this one last time and to celebrate her. The information is in my previous blog about Thursday, but Friday is 9:30 a.m. at Incarnation Catholic Church on Bee Ridge Road. Mommy, I love you so much. I miss you so much ... my heart is missing. I have this huge hole in my chest where you belong and I feel as if glass is scraping off my skin. My head feels like I'm walking in this fog and I can't think straight. I want to go back to that moment when I was sitting beside you in the nursing home and I was taking our picture. I took like three of them and you thought it was silly and wanted me to take pictures of your room mates but I promised to bring you a camera and I did. I don't know if you took any pictures on it or not... I told you that I wanted to use the last pictures for us and I took one of Doris for you. Then I realized when I went to Walgreens to get them developed that I still had one more pic left, so I took a random pic of my necklace. I am so glad I have this beautiful picture of you with me. I just wish you were still here. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you!!! If I have a daughter I am going to name her Rose Marie -- because I had asked you if you liked Rose and you said yes. I think it was your confirmation name, but I can't remember. Also, red rose buds were your favorite and you gave me Marie as a middle name just like you, so I will give it to my daughter too if I have one. I know you love Matthew more than anything and I know that now he will be safe forever because you are his Guardian Angel.. but I wish you could be here with us instead! I am going to cry so hard everytime he says Nana. He used to talk to you on the phone all the time and you loved it. I wish I could talk to you on the phone right now... I would give anything to be with you again just once more.. I told you that with the birthday money you gave me that I might get a tattoo in memory of you but that I didn't know what I wanted. I want red rose buds and a blue butterfly with a halo maybe... because I know you have butterfly wings and a halo. I have been so tempted to use it for you, but you made me promise to spend it on myself.. so in this way I can do both. I will never forget you ever! I can NOT believe you are gone! It is NOT FAIR! I WANT YOU BACK I'm sorry you were hurting so much... I would do anything to take it away and still have you here beside me! I didn't think you were really going to leave me yet!!! how am i supposed to go on without you? i love you so much. i love you, i love you, i love you! i still have that last voicemail you left me and i play it like crazy... ryan is going to try and save it for me and danielle will put it on a cd. you had called me on saturday and i called you back... i had just missed your call. i dont remember what we talked about though... i just now realized that was the day before you left me. i couldn't remember.... but aunt donna reminded me that we did talk, and listening to the voicemail reminded me .. i cant do this. it hurts so bad. i love you Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Monday, April 16th, 2007
5:33 pm	To See My Mom I know that I have called some of you, but some of you have also requested that I post the information concerning my Mom's viewing and memorial service on myspace, so here it is. My Mom's viewing will be April 19, 2007 between the hours of 6pm - 8pm. The location is: Wiegand Brothers Funeral Home & Crematory 7454 South Tamiami Trail Sarasota, Fl 34231 On Friday there will be a Memorial service at Incarnation Catholic Church - when I find out the time I will try and post it - or you can call me, my cousin Danielle, or my Aunt Donna. My cell phone number is (941) 302-3378 --- ALSO, after the Memorial Service everyone is welcome to come to my Aunt Donna's house -- there will be some refreshments, but these will be limited, so, if anyone would like to make/bring anything to help out in that regard, we would be very much grateful. We are accepting donations to help pay for my Mom's service. If you could help in any way, please do. I know money is tight right now for everyone, but even $1 would help. If you can't do that, then anything that you COULD do would help out so much. Please pray for us and keep us in your thoughts. This has been the hardest time of my entire life... I don't know what I'm going to do without my Mommy. I would give anything to have her back. ='( My Aunt and Uncle made a Memorial website for her - it has a lot of pictures. Please share your thoughts with us. It means so much to us. http://helen-gibson.memory-of.com/ Thank you. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 15th, 2007
9:24 pm	Mom's website My Aunt and Uncle did a wonderful job in making a website for my beautiful Mommy. http://helen-gibson.memory-of.com/ Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
4:37 pm	My Mother - the Angel I feel so broken right now. Mommy I miss you! I love you so very much! I want to wake up now! But I did, I slept for maybe an hour or two and I woke up and it was worse... because you are gone... The first time I woke up and I immediately knew that you weren't there. I can't hear your voice again, I can't see you again, I'll never hug you again. Oh my GOD, it aches. I miss you! I want my MOMMY! I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT EITHER! I WANT MY MOMMY! I want to see your face again, before it was blue and yellow and purple-ish... I want to nestle my head into your tummy and wrap my arms around you like I did when I was little and I was scared or emotional. I want you to take care of me when I'm sick - and rub my back and give me tissues when I'm throwing up and I want you to tell me that it's going to be okay. I even want to take you back to Wal*Mart, even though you always spent more money than you had and bought stuff you didn't always need... OMG, I used to hate those trips and now what I wouldn't give to have one of those again. I remember when Matthew was born and you were there the whole time looking at me, and you went to both Lamaze classes with me - once with Aunt Donna and once with Danielle - and how I felt so out of place to be the only Mom-to-be without a man, and you took care of me after I got out of the hospital and you took care of Matthew while he was little and loved him so very much. I remember the fishing trips with Danielle and that horrible exhusband of yours - where I fell asleep on the pier because it was so early in the morning and you guys caught all the fish and then when I woke up you guys didn't catch anything and you all told me to go back to sleep... I remember my beautiful baby shower and the time when we were shopping for maternity clothes and I had a panic attack at the store and needed to leave so bad but you made me hide in the changing room and try on some clothes -- I think that is when I got the butterfly shirt, which I STILL wear. Oh God, I'll never hear your special cough again that I could pick out in the desert or jungle.. or the way your flip flops made noise as you walked your certain walk... My Mommy passed at 5 a.m. this morning, April 15, 2007, in her sleep. She was born August 19, 1955 and she was 51 years old. She is my Guardian Angel now, but I miss her so much. Matthew was having trouble sleeping, so he and I rocked in the rocking chair I got from Aunt Donna from the baby shower and it reminded me of when Mom, Matthew, and I lived with Dad when I first gave birth to Matthew. I went to sleep after 4:37 a.m. -ish, 'cause that's the last time I remember looking at the clock. We got the call around 6 a.m. or so.. I'm not sure exactly. We missed the call but Ryan was still awake and called back and it woke me up. I heard the lady on the phone say, "She died." Even before that Ryan was crying and I *knew* what it was about. I kept saying, "No." I told him that they were lying... It wasn't true. She was doing so much better! I was supposed to pick her up for the day on Monday!! I had just seen her the other day and she seemed good, and talked to her on the phone and she sounded good and healthy! Not like before, when she sounded so out of it. Ryan told Dad and he drove to the nursing home. I called Aunt Donna and Danielle both - and they both said it was a lie... we all had just seen her and talked to her! ... Ryan took Matthew to Michael and Diane's -- thank God for them! They will never know how much it means to me that they are protecting and caring for Matthew while I'm falling apart. He is my Mom's favorite... while I was still in North Port I had called her and let him talk to her on the phone and I always put it on speaker and she used the voice she always uses with me, her *special* voice. Danielle picked me up as Ryan brought Matthew to Michael and Diane. I sat on the right side in the back with JR. Cassie was driving and Danielle was in front of me. We got to the stoplight by my Dad's apartment and I had to cough and I banged on Danielle's chair and I opened the door and coughed up some flem. Then I promptly threw up all over the pavement. JR was so nice and rubbed my back - I felt so bad that I was throwing up with all of them watching - I didn't want to make them sick. Danielle gave me tissues... We saw my Mommy. I held her hand and kissed her and touched her, but at first I kept saying, "NO!" .. because she was so cold and it was as if I touched her, it would make it real that she was gone... I don't want it to be real. I think I said, "Oh My God" a hundred times... For a second I would forget, and then BAM it would hit me all over again. I have to go to church today... I am hoping that I will get a message from my Mommy. She promised she would send me a message. I might write more later.. I feel sick and broken and as if a piece of me is missing... and then sometimes I think I'm walking in a fog. -xoxo- Current Mood: crushed (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 13th, 2007
2:12 am	So. I'm another year older. After all that stress and issues about it, it's not a big deal. TBoth of my parents gave me money for my birthday, but I have no idea what to do with it. How odd is that, eh. The only thing missing is that I didn't have a birthday cake -- but I'm going to have a late one with Diane and Michael (and of course Ryan and Matthew). So that's something to look forward to. (Yay For Cheesecake!) The downside - Everything comes in threes - First Ryan's TV broke. It won't turn on. Then the fridge broke - everything in the freezer is dead, as well as the stuff in the fridge. Completely ruined. Hours later, the a/c broke. So we're sweating like crazy. On a good note, we drove to Danielle's and went swimming. Matthew kept trying to drink the water though. ._.;; But other than that, we had a good time. My sprained ankle is pretty much healed, but it gets really sore if I do too much. Walking up and down the stairs at Danielle's nearly killed me, but I managed. A few days before that we took Mom out of the nursing home and brought her to Wal*Mart -- After that I had to take a pain pill because I was in such severe pain. I was supposed to go back to work this Monday that just passed, but I got a note saying to return on LIGHT DUTY -- the lady I spoke to at work told me to stay home and to call after my next doctor's appointment, which is the 19th, and I should be released then. I'm still nervous though, but the pain isn't as bad. So hopefully I'll be alright by then. We seriously need the money... especially since everything is broken. My Aunt was saying she might be able to get us a fridge donated - but I don't know if we can wait that long. *Sighs* I dunno what to do. Ryan's Dad said he might try to help, but we'll see what happens. Speaking of Ryan's family, his Mom is supposed to be in Florida on business this weekend, so we'll probably see her. Okay, I guess that's enough for now. I'm so glad that it's cooler at night! Current Mood: tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
10:13 pm	Sick I've never felt so sick in my life. My chest is full of crap and I'm wheezy. Now my nose is all farked up too. Every time I cough I throw up mucus from my chest - and the juice I've been drinking. I don't really have much food in my system... so there isn't anything for me to throw up. I've got the runs now. Tummy feels like crap. I'm sore. Every time I roll over in bed I start coughing and have to throw up. I toss and turn A LOT, so that's a major issue. So now, I turn over very very very very very slowly, just so I don't upset my chest into a fit. I can feel it. Don't make me laugh... I'll just end up coughing and throwing up. Actually, don't make me do ANYTHING. Eh. Mostly all I've been doing is sleeping since my last post... In and Out, In, and Out...In.. Feels like a year has passed, but it hasn't. Or, maybe it has. My Aunt was in the hospital. Something about a heart murmer and something to do with her bowels. She went home today though. She is supposed to avoid stress. My Mom has had more blood transfusions. I'm worried. =( She doesn't sound very awake... I miss her. I miss her from when she was able to do things and when she was nicer. She is a wonderful person! She's just so sick =( My Mom said that she wants to give me birthday money... but that I have to spend it on myself, and not on bills. She made me promise. :/ I told her I wanted another tattoo, but I didn't know what I wanted. She asked if that is what I was going to use it for and I said that I didn't know. I really can't think about that right now... too busy being sick. :/ yeah, i think im gonna go crash. but i want soup. ryan is already crashed out. :/ anyone wanna come deliver some soup? -xoxo- Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
2:43 am	Down the Drain I feel like shit. I'm getting sick again. Though I have two more weeks off (well, one and a half) from work, so maybe I'll be better by then. No, I WILL be better by then. I'm coughing so bad I'm about to throw up... if I do it one more time, I am GOING to throw up. I'm starting to feel really warm and icky. Ryan is completely crapped out, overloaded and sick as a dog. Matthew saw a DR. today, though I don't remember her name. He has to take meds again, once a day. Matthew keeps crying and waking up. One time he had thrown up all over his sheets and teddy bear, so that went immediately into the washer. I cleaned everything up - because even though my ankle is still somewhat farked, I'm the one who is the most mobile at the moment. I had Matthew lay in bed with Ryan while I took care of the mess. I'm afraid to sleep, afraid I'm going to miss him throwing up again... I want cough drops so fucking bad right now. I took some cough syrup but it never seems to help me. We don't have any cough drops right now and I can't drive to go get some. Stupid farking ankle! *pause, hits play* ... I just ran into Matthew's room again. It's after 3a.m. ...okay, so yeah, I didn't run, but you know. I hope he gets better soon. Seeing him sick kills me. The good thing is that I get a LOT more snuggles... but it isn't worth him being sick though. Right now I can't even think past being sick... Have to remind myself that thinking positive helps... I got my triquetra necklace from Ryan today. YaY! er, rather, yesterday. Though the chain feels uncomfortable, kinda on the small side. So, we'll see. Another thing is I joined a WolfRP, plus my channel is under works. Not quite off the ground yet, but it's looking good. Not that I will have much time when I'm all better and stuff. But we'll see what happens. The really good thing is that the ppl I've rped with are back together again. Well, not ones from when I first started rping, but from when I followed Scott to #Skyward 'n' Drack from the vampire mansion days, though I don't remember the exact name of that channel. How's this for a small world: Scott introduced me to Kasie, who knows Rosie who knows Nath. -- Nath is one of the first people I EVER rped with, and when I came BACK from being offline, I rped with Rosie. So it is very amusing how all of the friends that I've made have ties to each other. (okay, not ALL of them, but some) They are still working on a nursing home for Mom. My Dad's sick now too, and I'll check up on him later. Speaking of phone calls, I talked to Rob on the phone and it was good. Another blast from the past moment. My birthday is Saturday and I'm not looking forward to it. Is that sad? I remember the very first two birthdays I had when I had online access. I e-mailed all my friends and talked to them about birthday stuff, what I hoped for, what I was looking forward to, that kinda thing - and all I asked was for them all to wish me a happy birthday and I'd be happy. This year... I'm dreading it. I feel as though I'm getting OLD - but that's probably because of Death hanging so closely around the corner that I'm feeling skittish. I also feel like my family doesn't care. We're always behind on birthday presents. Though I have to say, Diane had invited us over and she was gonna make me a cheese cake for my birthday... that was really sweet of her. We can't do it though, 'cause they're having problems - which I won't mention on LJ 'cause I dunno if Diane wants everyone to know =P, so they can't take Matthew this weekend either. That's okay though. Scott sent me a necklace =D and Kasie made me a prettiful picture! Ryan got presents for me too - one was the necklace that I was supposed to get for Christmas/Valentine's day but came horribly late - and the game bejeweled for the pc ... and two more things... but since it isn't my birthday yet.. My dreams have been insanely vivid lately. Though I haven't remembered the most recent ones. I have been keeping a dream journal though. For the most part, I can't make heads or tails out of what they mean... so I'll have to go pester Scott when he gets back from his trip. Speaking of the metaphysical - I gave a message to Kasie today. It was weird, that doesn't normally happen to me. Well, not often, anyway. I'm suddenly reminded of one of my first metaphysical experiences... with Calleah and Tim. I suddenly am getting the feeling that I'm being directed to a sidepath... that loops back into my main path. Now it's just a matter of walking there. (Perhaps that is why I was told to meditate. Hrm. I need to listen more.) Okay... This entry is way too long as it is. I'm gonna go crash. It's about 3:30 a.m. give or take. Note to self: Remember the Sacred Spiral, don't go down the drain, turn it around. Dance. ---- Kasieh made me do it! ---- You Were a Whale You see the unseen and connect on the deepest level. You help others find their soul's song. What Animal Were You In a Past Life? Your Element Is Air You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that! What's Your Element? You Are a Blue Flower A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea. What Color Flower Are You? You Are Olive Green You are the most real of all the green shades. You're always true to yourself. For you, authenticity and honesty are very important... both in others and yourself. You are grounded and secure. It takes a lot to shake you. People see you as dependable, probably the most dependable person they know. What Color Green Are You? You Have Your Sarcastic Moments While you're not sarcastic at all times, you definitely have a cynical edge. In your opinion, not all people are annoying. Some are dead! And although you do have your genuine moments, you can't help getting your zingers in. Some people might be a little hurt by your sarcasm, but it's more likely they think you're hilarious. How Sarcastic Are You? Your Aura is Violet Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world. And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it! The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach What Color Is Your Aura? And that's a wrap. Eh. -xoxo- Current Mood: sick (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 18th, 2007
7:38 pm	Death is around the corner I called my grandparents on my mother's side today. They are the only ones I have left, as far as grandparents go. My mother's father and his wife that I have known since I was born and consider her my grandmother. My grandma told me that my grandpa has alzheimer's disease, and that he has had it for at least 6 months, if not longer. She was putting off telling me because he has always been around and she didn't want to say in front of him -- plus she wouldn't be able to not cry. So yeah, we both cried. It's funny how you think that you have forever.. but truly, your time here is so limited. My Dad called me yesterday to talk to me about Mom. Telling me that she had fluid in her lungs and that I need to be prepared for the worst. He tells me that every time she goes into the hospital, no matter what is going on with her at the time. I called my Mom today, and I think I'm going to call her back later. She wasn't exactly herself - it was kinda creepy, and sad. I hope she is feeling more like herself when I talk to her later. xoxo Current Mood: sad (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 8th, 2007
5:08 pm	All fall down The weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders and I'm starting to break. Almost literally - since I am being treated as if I have a hairline fracture in my ankle. Everything is combustible. For the most stupid of reasons. Mom is disabled and can't do anything - and she wants everything done her way and completed on her time scale. By that, I mean simply done when she wants it done. Now, one of the main problems with this is that because she is unable to do anything except the barest of minimums she has nothing BUT free time. So she thinks that the rest of us have more than enough time when this isn't the case. When it this fails to happen, Mom combusts. Ryan or I are usually caught in the crossfire of her anger. This is NOT acceptable and I refuse to continue to live like this. So Ryan and I called the EAP people but we have to call them back later to see what kinds of programs and whatnot is available to us to help us. Something has got to give, and I'm sick and tired of it always being me. My mother was telling me that I am not my own person, that it's "Ryan talking" ... and yet in the same breath she is saying that I am not learning the things she wants to teach me. The time for that is OVER, she had her chance. Now I want to be ME --- she refuses to see that I am trying to stand on my own two feet, and yes, perhaps Ryan has encouraged that in me -- but isn't that what my MOTHER is supposed to be doing? Instead of trying to place her will and wants and desires on top of mine? Just like this house -- she keeps reminding me that it is her DREAM to have a house... but what about my dreams? Why am I stuck nurturing HER dreams? Isn't that what she is saying that she doesn't want for me? Could someone please make this make sense??? I won't even mention the worst thing that my mother said to me. On a good note, Matthew is supposed to go see Diane and Michael this weekend. Also, Mom tried to eat my pain pills... all of the ones that I have left. So Mom is going to Aunt Donna's until Monday. So maybe Ryan can actually get something done while only having to watch one cripple instead of two and a baby... Speaking of Matthew, my little love is now 17 months old. Awwwww. =) Please dear God let it get better. -xoxo- Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
6:23 pm	what's going on? well, let's see. the orthopedic doctor said that i am out of work for 3 - 6 weeks. i am not going to even THINK about how the bills are going to be paid, since Ryan doesn't have his job anymore and is home taking care of all three of us. mom is as disagreeable as ever. moreso than usual. i had slipped and dropped my crutches in the kitchen last week while i was trying to give the cats fresh water. i had spilled the water on the floor because i couldn't carry the bowl AND my crutches at the same time. I tried to avoid the water... but.. you know how water is. it goes everywhere. my mom came in and picked up my crutches for me as i was clutching the countertop and she was saying "why couldn't you wait for ryan to get home from walmart" ... "i didn't want to wait. i wanted to help" ... "now you know how i feel" .. and she continued on with that, making me feel like shit. rubbing it in how she is so disabled and now i am stuck. just like her. waiting for everything. unable to do anything. sigh. on a good note, ryan, matthew and i went to michael and diane's for dinner on friday. we had a great time. matthew is staying there for the weekend, which gives ryan a much needed break -- too bad no one wants to take mom too. everything diane made was delicious and i don't think we've been that spoiled for quite awhile. (having someone else cook and clean for you, other than ourselves... you know what i mean?) i forgot to try and actually doggie bag some cheesecake.. *sigh* oh well. =-D I feel naked without Matthew though... Ryan and I both keep expecting to hear him on the baby monitor or something. =( I miss him. My little monkey. =) i have a really beautiful dream catcher above the bed... but i had nightmares last night. one was work related - it was a "return to work" dream... i don't really remember much, but i was able to go back to third shift screens and work there (YAY -happy dance-) but there was new leadership - and it was someone who scares the pants off me and she was giving me a horrible time (-cries-) ... the other nightmare was that i found out i was pregnant. but i was at the doctor's with ryan and all of a sudden there was all this blood, everywhere. big clots of it. the doctor told me that i had lost the baby and it had something to do with all the x-rays and the cat scan that i had just had recently... i felt like the world's most horrible person because i didn't tell the technicians to try and protect me from the radiation because i thought i couldn't get pregnant because of the IUD... i have never felt so awful, it was so real... anyway. that's all for now. -xoxo- Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 25th, 2007
3:05 pm	stuck. literally. i'm stuck. literally. i was at my aunt and uncle's house on saturday and i slipped and sprained my ankle really bad. so. i'm not even really allowed on the pc... but i just wanted to let everyone know what was going on. it's a bitch trying to go to the bathroom... let me tell ya. handicapped bathroom.. yeah right, that's a fucking lie. trying to do that is crazy. as far as my job goes... i don't have any time off and i'm scared to death i'm going to lose my job. so i have to be there early to make sure i can fill out FMLA paperwork and hopefully that will fix everything. i'm so scared ... i can't even drive, because it's my right foot... and everytime i even MOVE just a little bit the pain is so very bad. i've sprained my ankle before, but it never hurt this bad. to top it off, i'm still sick. i hate feeling like i can't do anything. i hate having to rely so much on those around me... especially when Ryan is doing such a great job of taking care of Matthew, Mom, and I. I love you baby! -kisses- anyway, i have to go eat lunch now... and put my foot back up. =( I'm also going to post this in livejournal.... -xoxo- Current Mood: sick (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 11th, 2007
3:35 am	crazy days i don't even know where to start. let's see. on the 7th of this month Matthew turned 16 months old. on the 6th of this month i went into the ER. they think i may have a kidney stone - so i have a dr's appointment on monday. not only that, but i've been running a fever, throwing up, coughing my brains out so hard that my tongue is sore, shakey, my calves have been crampy, tummy upset, dizzy, whole body feeling generally weak, sometimes i feel so hot you could cook on me and other times i'm freezing... all the good fun stuff. matthew is with danielle right now, i'm picking him up on monday after my dr appointment. as for mom.. well, her nurses were here and they have almost convinced her to go into a nursing home. the only problem is someone would have to move in with us because the nursing home will take mom's money and we won't be able to pay for the house. i tried asking my dad but he said that he has already signed his lease at his apartment... so i dunno what to do. though right now, i refuse to worry about it. i have a few bills that i need to pay but i've put them off because ... 1, i had to take care of matthew and i didn't have time to finish the ones i was working on and 2 -- then i got really sick. blehk. i know there was more i wanted to say, i just don't have any more energy. -xoxo- Current Mood: sick (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
10:42 pm	It's okay to be angry It's way past my bedtime, but I'm so angry I can barely contain it. That's why I'm here. To release the beast in a positive way, to purge my system. My Aunt and Uncle just left. My Uncle was acting as though he was God, at least, over this domain. Giving me instructions on how to take care of my mother - when I have explained to the hospital people that I am not capable of taking care of her - I have a 15 month old son that needs care just as much as my mother does and I am only one person. Taking care of a grown up is completely different than taking care of a child, especially your own child. I'm just so angry with him. "He who lives in a glass house should not throw stones." ( outburst ) yeah, random angry poetry. now i feel better. Kylee told me that it was okay to be angry - it is when you don't allow yourself to feel it that it can be a problem - bottling it up and all of that. -xoxo- Current Mood: pissed off (3 Comments |Comment on this)
4:59 pm	News bulletin Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Mom came home yesterday. Quite the ordeal. Ryan was at work, I picked up Mom while TJ watched Matthew (Matthew was napping) and Aunt Donna and Uncle Tommy were working on Mom's room. Earlier I stepped on a nail in the lanai, and all such materials have been removed from the lanai - with the help of TJ and my Dad. Mom's room is close to done, but a lot of the "crap" has been moved to another room. Every time we attack a room it happens like that. It makes you wonder if anything is actually getting accomplished - except for the fact that we have taken 3 full bins of crap to Goodwill and thrown out who knows how much stuff. Mom has a full bin of items that she has to go through, mostly old cards plus some really random stuff. Like a lightbulb! That actually works! Mom needs a lot of care. It's actually kind of depressing. ='( I told the case manager at the hospital that I could not handle it... but Mom's insurance, even "pending Medicaid" was not accepted by any nursing homes. Though they are working on getting some other type of home health care that does more than the VNA (visiting nurses association). So she is here. At least they brought her a hospital bed and a large potty that can go in her room. Matthew is doing wonderfully. He saw his physical therapist last Thursday and she said that she is impressed with how well he is walking, considering that his ankles and feet are still somewhat low tone. He has another appointment with her soon - not this Monday coming up, but the Monday after that. I'm so glad that he is doing so much better. OH, and guess what he has started doing! He is now CLIMBING! He climbed up onto the couch today! I'm so excited! Cindy, the physical therapist, said that was the next thing for him to start doing. So he is definately well on his way! =D Not only that, but Cindy said that by 18 months old, Matthew should have 10 words. He has a hell of a lot more than that! Let's see how many I can remember: Kitty, cat, car, ba-ba, juice, cup, down, no, shoes, stinky, ew, green, blue, phone, Nana, Dada, Mama, TJ, and his own version of "hi" - it sounds more like "ha" but he waves at the same time. Some of the other words aren't very pronounced, but I know what they mean. that's enough for now...too much needs to get done. -xoxo- Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Friday, January 19th, 2007
5:37 pm	Missing: Mind. Reward if found. “Life is an adventure to be lived, not a problem to be solved.” - John Keats “Before I built a wall I'd ask to know What I was walling in or walling out.” - Robert Frost I got a phone call from Mom telling me that she is coming home today. I called her case manager. I've talked to Aunt Donna. Mom is supposed to be getting a hospital bed and some home care. THEN I found out that the home care is only for her wound, about 30 minutes a day - about three days a week. What happened to them taking care of her? I found all this out from the home care nurse lady. So then I called the case manager back and told her that I just can't handle it... Mom has had accidents that need a lot of cleaning up and I'm only one person - my son can't be put on the backburner like that. The day I decided to bring her to the hospital my mother had an accident and as I was trying to clean her, her legs kept giving out. Miracle of miracles, my cousin Danielle came over - randomly - and I had my mother hold onto Danielle as I cleaned her and Ryan watched Matthew and fed him. How on earth am I supposed to do that all alone? Clone myself? No, thanks. I've read way too many sci-fi novels to even consider that. Seriously though. In any event, the case manager is calling my Aunt Donna back to see if between the two of them then can find out who can take care of Mom -- because the nursing homes won't take her insurance. Mom is pending Medicaid I believe, she was on something else... and Aunt Donna just called me and said that so far, no one can take Mom's insurance as far as a nursing home rehab. I feel as though my body is on fire. Almost sick. Broken glass. ( Animal I Have Become ) -x- Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Animal I Have Become, by Three Days Grace (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 18th, 2007
4:41 pm	Upside down I'm not even sure which way is up anymore. Mom was telling me that she is going to be able to leave the Hospital on Friday and go to Aunt Donna's until stuff is settled at home. Aunt Donna says that she can not financially afford to have my mother living with her unless she pays for some of the bills. My mother's mortgage is going up and even with the current income, we won't be able to afford it. We're already behind - according to the mortgage company, but I don't know how that happened since we had gotten caught up and I was putting in my half of the mortgage every month since then. I was also hearing about Mom going into a rehab/nursing home for awhile. Aunt Donna had said that she was going to come down and help work on the house and then she told my Dad that she wanted to have it on the market by April 1st. I'm sorry, but I think I missed something. Where are we going to live and how are we going to get there? Though they have said this before and it didn't happen, so I don't know why I somewhat believe it now. My head is pounding so very hard. I feel really hot and sick. My face is really hot. I don't know what is going to happen. Is she serious this time? ( Pain ) Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Pain, by Three Days Grace (Comment on this)